


All the way or not at all

by percyinpanties



Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: /bad experiences, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Meet Again, Other, bad memories, childhood best friends, flangst, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-03
Updated: 2015-03-26
Packaged: 2018-03-16 04:09:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3473912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/percyinpanties/pseuds/percyinpanties
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Percy hasn't seen Jason since they were kids. Then he walks into his math class. Things happen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to put all the fics on Ao3 that are or will become longer than one part on tumblr. :)  
> If you want to read more jercy I suggest you subscribe to the series or check out the [ blog](http://jercydrabbles.tumblr.com) on which I originally publish them all.  
> I should add that, as usually, I didn't proof-read. Oops. :D

“Holy Fuck.”

Mrs. Dodds gave Percy aglare that most probably should have killed him, but Percy doesn’t at all feel sorry for swearing in maths class. Well, maybe he feels a bit sorry, because now everyone is staring at him, including the new boy who just walked in and who Percy is absolutely certain is no one else but Jason.   
Jason, who he hadn’t seen since kindergarten, whom he used to play with every free minute of his childhood days and who had been the best friend Percy had ever had. Well, maybe he was exaggerating, but the thrill of seeing the blonde’s face again as it lit up with recognition was one of the best feelings.   
Nevertheless, his classmates was still staring at him, most of them probably thinking Percy had the hots for the new boy. Percy would have tried denying that, but he doubted anyone would believe him. And in the end, it wasn’t far from the truth. Puberty certainly had been more than kind to Jason, and Percy caught himself staring at his former best friend.   
Jason was obviously taller now, and built well less lean and more muscular than Percy. He still had the same blond hair, and the scar on his lip had stayed just like Percy remembered. Jason was  _attractive_  and part of Percy doubted he’d ever come to think this way about Jason if it hadn’t been for the years they’d spent apart.   
Mrs. Dodds placed Jason somewhere in a row in front of Percy, his view now blocked by Frank’s broad shoulders in front on him, and somehow Percy felt disappointed. It probably was for the better though, there was no way Percy could concentrate on maths class if Jason was still anywhere in his view.

The class passed even slower than usual. While Percy was aware that it was just his imagination, he felt like the clock took longer for every new minute just to tease him, and when it finally rang, Percy jumped up so hard he knocked his knees against his desk.  
It earned him another glare from the teacher, but Percy couldn’t care less, he haphazardly shoved his belongings into his bag and then half jogged over to where Jason was doing the same.   
Their eyes met, and suddenly Percy found himself enveloped by a bear hug. He patted Jason’s back in return, both of them laughing, not having said a single word to each other yet, but Percy already felt closer to him than he had felt to any friend in years.   
When they finally let go of each other, most of the people around them had gone from staring to not caring anymore, not that Percy would have cared about that in the first place.

He was grinning like a madman, Jason’s expression mirroring his, when he finally managed to say something.  
“Hi.”   
Jason laughed again and damn, Percy had missed hearing that.   
“Hi.”   
“Have lunch with me?”   
“You really have to ask?”   
When they left the room, Jason had an arm loosely slung over Percy’s shoulder, leaning into him as Percy started telling him everything he could remember doing since they last met.   
Jason listened, a glint of amusement in his eyes not even interrupting Percy when he started rambling in between. Making and keeping friends had never been easy for Percy, but being right here with Jason felt as natural as breathing.

* * *

  
A week later, Percy was following Annabeth down the road to the lake. They were close, one of the few good friends Percy managed to keep around, and had even dated for a while in the past. Last year, they found out that they were, in fact, not all that interested in getting intimate with each other, and decided that maybe going back to being friends was the best for them. Annabeth knew Percy well, and he cared about her a lot. By now, he was sure the decision had been a good one.  
When they stood at the shore however, and Annabeth started laughing as soon as Percy took off his shirt, he questioned those positive feelings. He glared at her, but the girl only covered her mouth with a hand and continued laughing.   
“What is it?” Percy snapped and Annabeth pointed weakly at his chest. There, right underneath his collarbone, was a dark blueish bruise. A hickey.   
Percy turned around, blushing bright right and Annabeth started laughing all over again.   
“A week? That’s all it took?”   
Percy’s face darkened even more, if only she knew.

* * *

  
It had taken them a whole day, nothing more, to figure out their mutual attraction. Then, it had been another minute before Jason had Percy pressed up against the door of an empty classroom, spending the good part of their lunch period making out and hoping no one would walk past the windows on the other side of the room. It had gone downhill from there – stolen kisses in broom cupboards and behind corners, until it ended with Percy taking Jason home to have him meet his mother again who thankfully didn’t comment when the boys disappeared behind the locked doors of Percy’s bedroom after dinner. A week had passed, and Percy was already in to deep.

They had managed to keep their hands off each other for the whole day, but when Percy slipped into Jason’s car after their last period, the glint in the other boy’s eyes told him that it wouldn’t stay like that for long. When Jason parked the car in a hidden side road, and asked Percy to climb onto the backseat with him, Percy came far too easily.   
It wasn’t spacey, and they had been in far more comfortable places, but all Percy could see and taste and smell was Jason, and that was all he needed to make the moment feel perfect.


	2. Chapter 2

“Holy f-“ Percy’s curse was muffled by a hand over his mouth. Jason laughed behind him, before he got back to sucking a bruise into Percy’s neck. Jason rolled his hips again and Percy had a hard time keeping his voice down or controlling the noises spilling from his throat. Percy’s jeans were bunched around his knees, his shirt half pulled up his torso and his head thrown back to rest against Jason’s shoulder. His knees were getting weak, but Jason held most of his weight with an arm snaked around his waist. Jason was the worst tease, thrusting into him with a pace slow enough to be considered torture and touching him everywhere but where Percy wanted him to. He hated it as much as he loved it.   
“Quiet.” Jason whispered as he took his hand off Percy’s mouth and moved it down to hold onto his hips. The next thrust was harder and Percy gasped, albeit quietly. Jason kissed his neck and stilled his movements once again, it was driving Percy insane. At this rate, they would either be late for their next period, or had to stop before. Jason’s second hand moved to the other side of Percy’s hips, a lot closer to his cock than the first one and Percy wanted to groan with frustration.   
“Can you hold yourself up?” Jason asked, still not having moved again. Percy didn’t quite understand, but raised his head from Jason’s shoulder. He placed his hands against the wall and shifted a bit until he was supporting his own weight again. Jason nipped on the skin behind Percy’s ear and then, without any warning, started rocking his hips.  
Percy couldn’t keep the moan in but this time Jason didn’t falter, he moved one of his hands up to clasp it around Percy’s shoulder and settled into a pace much faster than he had had before. Percy had to press his lips together to keep the sounds in. Jason was going to be the death of him.   
  
They did finish before the next period started after all. It probably had been a bad idea sneaking off to a storage room in the middle of a school day just because they had a cancelled class, but when Percy crawled into Jason’s lap afterward, exchanging lazy and languid kisses, he didn’t regret it.

Officially, they weren’t dating. Jason had told him the first day that he didn’t do boyfriends anymore. Percy hadn’t yet gotten out of him what happened to make him think that way. While he still knew Jason like the back of his hand, the years they’d spent apart left holes in their friendship. He could read his emotions, not his mind.  
So instead, they were friends, best friends, who had sex occasionally. Well, more than occasionally. Actually rather often. Percy knew Jason wasn’t seeing anyone else, they agreed on telling each other before that happened and Percy was pretty sure it wasn’t a thing that would happen in the first place. Jason would hold Percy’s hand and they’d cuddle and he’d kiss Percy in public without hesitation. All that separated them from actual couples was that when they hung out they didn’t call it a date, even when it really actually was and even when they ended up kissing in Jason’s car halfway through the movie at the car cinema, and Jason didn’t call Percy his boyfriend. At the end of the day, Percy couldn’t bring himself to care. Jason cared about him, Percy knew that too. They’d been the closest friends for years, Percy had known everything about Jason and even the years in which they hadn’t seen each other couldn’t ruin the bond they had formed as children. Maybe Jason wasn’t in love, Percy wasn’t a hundred percent sure he was in love himself, but he knew he was pretty damn close.

It was half-term when things got complicated. Annabeth had started dating a girl named Reyna, and while Percy didn’t know her very well, she seemed nice enough. She knew Jason though, they shared a couple classes, so of course they hung out as a group of four sometimes.   
On Friday afternoon, Percy was just about to leave with Jason in tow, the two girls approached them before they reached parking lot. Annabeth asked them to join her and Reyna to a double date. Things went downhill from there.   
“We’re not dating.” Jason said, his voice level, but his face already closing off. Reyna laughed at him while Percy squirmed uncomfortably.   
“You totally are.” Reyna said at the same time that Annabeth pointed out: “You’re holding hands.”  
Jason let go of Percy’s hand like he’d been burned. When Jason glared at Percy then, he felt his heart break a little.  
“Did you tell them we are? ‘Cause I am  _not_  your boyfriend Jackson.” Percy didn’t get a chance to answer, Jason stormed off before he even opened his mouth. That hurt. A lot.   
“Someone’s in denial.” Reyna said quietly, her eyes following Jason’s retreating figure. Annabeth smiled sadly at Percy.   
“I’m sorry. I thought…” She didn’t finish the sentence, but Percy nodded anyway.   
“Yeah, me too.”

Percy tried calling Jason four times that evening, but the other boy didn’t pick up. Annoyed, Percy ended up sending him angry texts instead.

**_stop being an ass. – PJ [8.22pm]_ **

**_i didnt tell anyone were dating. – PJ [8.36pm]_ **

**_though honestly we kind of are. – PJ [9.14pm]_ **

**_i mean all the sweet kissing and cuddling and hand holding? – PJ [9.18pm]_ **

**_and i know were not, okay? im just saying. –PJ [9.27pm]_ **

**_i can live with that. whatever happened that makes you not wanna date anymore. you dont even have to tell me. but you cant get mad cause people think youre my boyfriend if you act like one. – PJ [10.49pm]_ **

**_and dont you dare say you arent. you are. – PJ [11.01pm]_ **

_shut up. – JG [11.04pm]_

**_is2g if thats all youre gonna say to me i will literally punch you in the face. – PJ [11.06pm]_ **

**_… - PJ [12.58pm]_ **

**_you know what? if you cant even answer you can fuck go yourself. – PJ [3.16am]_ **

Percy cried angry tears that night, but Jason didn’t answer and Percy stopped texting him. He dreaded going to school on Monday. It wasn’t like Jason to be that cold, it wasn’t like him not to answer either and especially not with something as hurtful as that. Percy didn’t understand.  
On Sunday night, when Percy should be asleep but wasn’t because his gut was in knots, his phone blinked with a message.

_sorry. – JG [23.11pm]_

Percy stared at his phone in disbelief. Was that all?

_i am an ass. ill explain. let me take you to school tomorrow? – JG [23.23pm]_

Percy almost wanted to answer, but didn’t. Jason could see how hurtful that was.

* * *

Percy was more than tempted to ignore Jason’s car parking in front of his house in the morning and just take the bus to school, but Jason was sitting on the hood and making puppy eyes at him the second Percy stepped out of the front door.   
“Give me one reason not to punch you.” Percy said coldly and Jason sunk in more on himself. Percy felt somewhat sorry for acting like this, but Jason had hurt him and he couldn’t just come along with those damn eyes and pretend everything was alright.   
“I’m sorry for being an asshole. I want to explain and I want to make it up to you.” Jason seemed sincere and Percy already knew he had half forgiven him. He didn’t need to let that show though, so he crossed his arms and just fixed Jason with a cold stare. Jason sighed but gave in.  
“I changed schools because my last boyfriend outed me after a lost game and I got beat up by the team I was supposed to be captain off. I had to stay in hospital for two weeks and my stepmom insisted on me changing schools. I was supposed to keep my head down and not let anyone know and you just… you come along and I can’t fucking resist you. And I thought if I at least kept distance emotionally I’d deal with that but you make me fall in fucking love with you and…”  
Jason swallowed and looked away with his jaw clenched, taking a deep breath and obviously trying to keep tears from spilling over.   
“and I snapped. I thought if they knew everyone knew and this whole disaster just starts over you’ll end up leaving me behind too and I just got you back and I can’t do that and-”  
Jason had to take a breath to stop himself from hyperventilating, but now he was looking back at Percy.  
“I had a moment where I thought you hating me was easier than risking going through that again. But I couldn’t do that, I felt so bad for knowing that I’d hurt you.”   
Percy was watching him, trying to school his face in a pokerface, but his resolve had already crumbled. He understood why Jason had acted like he did, hell, Percy would have done the same. But Jason had still hurt him and Percy was a realist, he knew going back to what was before would be toxic for them both.   
“You should have told me.” Jason wanted to answer but Percy held up a hand. “And that you thought I’d turn on you is actually more hurtful that this whole stupid shit you pulled on Friday.” Jason was looking at Percy with helpless eyes, but he wasn’t done. “And I’m really fucking angry, don’t think I’m not. But I’ll give you the choice. We’re either doing this all the way from now on or we’re not doing it at all.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The third part is to be written soon. Tell me where you think this will end c:


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, so this only took me ages :D   
> I see that I maybe should work on updating the AUs instead of filling all the new prompts but pssssh. ;)

“And they just –”

“Beat the crap out of me, yeah.” Percy makes a pained noise and cards his fingers through Jason’s hair again. After all this back and forth, Jason is finally opening up to him, telling him the whole story so Percy can  _understand_. It hurts to hear for the most part, but Percy is glad Jason trusts him with this. By now he feels a little bad for forcing Jason to decide, between doing this all the way or not at all, when clearly the reasons why he didn’t were ones that would have made Percy make the same call.

It’s better between them like this though, the lack of secrets brought them closer. Percy doesn’t need to try and read Jason’s mind now, because the other boy tells him what’s on it.

It’s why they drove to the lake today, it’s cold out so they are alone, and after quite a while of silence Jason had finally started talking. They used to spent most of their time here as children, Percy knows the rush of wind calms Jason, as Percy feels better when he can hear the crash of the tiny waves on the share.

Percy is settled in Jason’s lap, head resting in the crook of Jason’s neck, arms wound around him, and he keeps drawing circles on Jason’s skin, petting his hair or pressing kisses where he can reach. Every now and then a tremble goes through Jason’s body, and Percy knows that’s not the cold. He talks slow, with many pauses, and even though Percy has never been very patient, he gives Jason all the time he needs today. This is important, Percy knows this. He wants to do this right.

“It was a bad game, I get why they were pissed at me anyway, my strategy blew up in our faces…” Percy interrupts Jason for the first time, before he can go on putting the blame on himself.

“Bullshit. That’s not why they turned against you and you know it.” Jason sighs but doesn’t answer and Percy wants to push him. He gets how it is, he’s never really been popular himself. For most of elementary and middle school, he’d even been bullied. He knows how that feels, how it makes you want to hide and crawl out of your own skin, how you try and find the faults in yourself, how you start picking at your own skin hoping you can pull out the flaws.

Percy also gets why Jason tried keeping it from everyone. Hurt like this settles deep, being betrayed by someone you loved wasn’t new to Percy either, and he that it’s something that leaves scars. That doesn’t mean he’s going to encourage Jason in doing this, the way he tries to deal… it’s toxic and it won’t work out well for Jason. Percy can’t have that.

“It could have been worse.” Jason whispers eventually and from the way his voice goes quiet Percy knows what he’s thinking. They all heard the stories about what jocks get up to when they find out about people being queer in their midst… now it’s Percy who shudders and presses closer to Jason.

“I’m not gonna do this to you, you know that, right?” Percy is talking about betraying him, exposing him to get out of a bad situation himself, and Jason understands.  
There isn’t much to expose though, that’s what had bothered Percy right after Jason’s stormy leave that one Friday. By all means, Percy still didn’t get how Jason thought no one would notice that they had something going on when he kissed Percy in the middle of the hallway, or held his hand wherever they went. Percy suspects it’s a psychological thing, that maybe denying the truth made it less real for Jason, but even that didn’t make a whole lot of sense to Percy.  
It doesn’t matter though, because Jason has opened up now, laid himself bare for Percy, and he respects how hard that must have been.

“Thank you Perce.” Percy smiles against Jason’s neck, then leans back to look at him. The other boy is smiling somewhat sadly, but when Percy strokes his fingers over his cheek Jason still leans into it.

“Thank you.” Percy whispers back, and then he leans in to kiss him.

* * *

The wounds turn out to be a lot deeper than Percy had thought on first sight. Jason’s family is broken up and torn, something Percy thinks he should have noticed but hadn’t, and there was a lot more happening before and after that night Jason got beat to a pulp by his own team.

Percy blames himself for not having paid enough attention, for not having seen how Jason flinches at loud noises or fast movements, for never wondering why Jason needed so many tender touches some days.

Once he knows though, all the other things seem to come into light as well. Percy sees how Jason’s mother sways and slurs when she talks, he notices how some of the pictures are turned over in their hallway and when no one’s looking and Percy checks he sees that it’s all those that show Thalia. It hits Percy like a brick and that’s really the last drop – how could he not have noticed that Jason’s older sister was  _gone_?

He can’t bring himself to ask Jason, doesn’t want to hurt him by ripping open old wounds, but he does some research online and is relieved to find that Thalia ran away. Percy had feared that she died…

There’s more than that. When they sleep together, Percy takes all his time making Jason feel good – exploring his body and finding all his tender spots – and while he does he finds something that lands like a punch to the gut: tiny, thin scars where no one should notice them. Percy knows this shape though, remembering seeing similar ones on the arms of his friend Nico a year ago and wonders if Jason really went as far as to hurt himself. Percy nearly cries, and then only feels worse when it’s Jason who comforts him and not the other way around.

Not once does Percy think that this isn’t what he signed up for, that he doesn’t want a boyfriend with emotional baggage like this, that this his more than he bargained for, that he’d rather have it nice and easy. Maybe it’s because he really  _does love_  Jason, even though he pushed the thought away when it first comes up, maybe it is because Percy actually is a decent person. Either way, now that he knows, Percy puts effort in making things better for Jason.

Whenever he can, he gets Jason out of his house and away from that horror of a mother – not that the woman actually cares where Jason goes – and he engages his mother in the mission. She had always loved Jason, from when Percy and Jason were kids up to now, and she is more than glad to more or less adopt him into the family.   
Percy goes out of his way to find a way Jason can go back to playing football again, or at least to get him back into a sport, without bringing all the painful memories back. They end up going for a run every morning before school – Percy despised having to get up this early – but after the first week he can see how much it helps Jason to get back to being active again, so Percy swallows his whining and forces himself out of his bed every morning anew.

He even manages to bring Jason and Nico together. There’s just some things Percy can’t help Jason with, but he knows Nico can, because their experiences were similar. Nico is hesitant at first, probably because Jason just doesn’t look like the kind of guy who has struggles with the things Nico has, but after some initial hesitancy they hit off really well. Percy isn’t even jealous, he’s just glad that he can help Jason deal with all the things that he’s still carrying around with him.

Annabeth is the first to comment – of course she is – when they sit next to each other in art class. Percy doesn’t actually have any artistic talent, but he enjoys trying it a lot and – okay, maybe he mostly chose to take the additional course so he has at least one that he shares with Annabeth.

“You really care about him.” Percy hums in agreement. There’s no point denying this, Percy knows. Annabeth reads him like an open book, Percy doesn’t even try to keep anything from her. She is working on a painting of the Pantheon, while Percy is trying to make the lake on his canvas look less like a puddle with smudges of green in the background, and more like an actual scenery. When she looks at him, there is a smear of beige paint on her cheek and Percy can’t help but smile. “He cares about you too, and he knows what you’re doing, even if he doesn’t tell you.”

Somehow that sounds like Jason and Annabeth have been talking about him and, well, Percy isn’t actually all that surprised. He gives Annabeth a grateful smile, but feels a little too filled with emotion to trust himself to actually answer her.

* * *

When Percy tells Jason that he loves him the first time, Jason actually cries. Percy hadn’t quite expected that, and he isn’t sure how to handle it if he’s quite honest. What’s not as unexpected is that Jason can’t say it back, Percy has already steeled himself for that, and as it turns out, it is the reason Jason gets so emotional in the first place.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to say it, okay?” Of course it stings a little, but Percy can understand  _why_  Jason can’t say it, and he definitely won’t force him to. “I just needed to get it out, you don’t have to say it back, I’m not mad.” Percy whispers, steady and reassuring, repeating his words over and over until Jason has calmed down enough to wipe away his tears and nod.

When he presses Percy into the mattress of his bed minutes later Percy knows Jason feels the same. Even though he can’t say it with words, he definitely makes sure to show Percy in the ways he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this was deeper than I had thought it would be, but anyway - did you like it? leave me all your thoughts in the comments c:

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos give me joy. Tell me what you thought, I love comments, they feed my muse c:


End file.
